Book Review: A Well-Trained Wife

 

A Well-Trained Wife: My Escape from Christian Patriarchy by Tia Levings
My rating: 5 of 5 stars

Let me start like this: Tia Levings is my friend. You can find my husband and me in the acknowledgements. (I’ve already thanked Tia for her parenthetical “no relation to the Smalls in the story” because we are sure as heck not them!) Can I say, then, that this is an unbiased review? Probably not, but I can certainly say it is an honest review. (Thanks to Tia and St. Martin’s Press for the review copy.) And I can say without hesitation that Tia’s story is is incredibly timely in today’s cultural and political climate (hello, religious "tradwives" and Christian nationalists)—and that Tia is a gorgeous writer.

A Well-Trained Wife is Tia’s story of growing up in a high-control church that preached utter submission and denial of self—that used fear as its primary means of control. Do something bad, and you’ll burn in hell with the “decapitated liars and baby killers.” Follow all the rules—ALL of them— and you won’t be left behind. Keep your legs crossed, marry a good man, and be his "help-meet" forever by submitting to him utterly—and willingly. And you’ll be saved.

In the first half of her memoir, Tia weaves the story of the twisted seeds her fundamentalist leaders in Florida planted and nourished in her young mind and her subsequent marriage to a violent man, "Allan." Red flags? Sure, she saw them and wondered about them, but clearly marrying him would make “so many people happy” and prove her value. To say it was difficult to read this section is an understatement. The physical, sexual, emotional, and spiritual abuse Tia endured is horrifying and enraging. I wanted to pull young Tia and her babies out of all of this. In the second half of the book, “Allan” abruptly moves the family to Tennessee and tells Tia “‘you’re going to like it there.'"

When Tia and her four red-heads came to Tennessee, we immediately bonded. What I recognized in Tia from the moment I met her was her soul—she, a fellow “mother writer artist hiker friend.” What I didn’t recognize was that she was trapped and terrified: married to a dangerous man and held captive by a lifetime of warped and dangerous theology.

(My husband remembers that our youngest son and his friend, probably around six years old, threw sand at Allan when he was at our house one afternoon. Throwing sand was not in these boys’ nature at all. I like to think they sensed who Allan was beneath his veneer of Nice Family Guy. I wish we’d had the same instinct.)

Tia hid it well. We had no idea what was going on. We had no idea of Tia’s experiences in a fundamentalist world in Jacksonville. I knew they’d moved here because of a certain church, but I didn’t know anything about that church or its belief system. I probably just heard “Presbyterian,” which brings to my mind oiled wooden pews and old stone churches. How far, how very far from that was this “church of covenanters” who rejoiced at the chilling declaration: “’With patriarchy comes hierarchy.’” As Tia writes, “mainstream Christians… wouldn’t guess zealous Presbyterians were raising future politicians with dominionist theology.” The patriarchs were in control, and Tia inwardly recoiled while outwardly submitting. She was, after all, “a patriarch’s wife.”

When Tia and the family moved over an hour north from our city to the Blue House, we thought it was all about having their own home. Having more space. Having chickens and such. But the tiny town itself—if you can call it a town—was depressing. Sad and oppressive in a way that could suck the life out of anyone. And more than anything else: it was isolating—and the patriarchy knew it when they moved them there.

How Tia discovered herself—how she clung to the light within her even as she was reminded that women “‘aren’t called to be individuals’”—is remarkable. But read her story yourself. And keep in mind, as you read, that Tia’s experiences in a high-control religion are less fringe that you think. As Tia writes to those hiding in plain sight, “let’s keep flipping on that light switch and flooding these darkened rooms.” And consider this book a warning, too: a large portion of the U.S. wants our country to look like these darkened rooms where women stand quietly in corners with their heads bowed in submission.

To read about Tia’s real life makes me want to turn back time to when we sat together in bright green parks chatting while our kids played. How I wish I could hold that Tia’s hands and tell her that Allan and his gang of men are full of $hit and she is worthy of all the happiness, all the success, and all the freedom.

Can't wait for Tia's next book.

Warnings: sexual assault/rape, domestic violence, religious trauma, infant death, severe misogyny

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Spring Reads

 Sitting in the hospital with Mom for hours at a time gives me the opportunity to finally post book reviews for the past couple of months. II can probably trace my headspace by the books I’m reading and how long it takes me to read them. I’ve been escaping in books a lot the past couple of months as caregiving difficulties escalate. Psychological thrillers are strangely comforting. Analyze that if you wish.

The Secret Book of Flora Lea by Patti Callahan Henry. Story of two sisters evacuated from London in 1940 during the Blitz. Tragedy happens in the countryside, and the little sister vanishes. The novel alternatives between the older sister, 20 years later, and the events as they happen in 1940. This was a pretty good story, although the plot was rather contrived and unbelievable, and the characters lacked depth.

Circe by Madeline Miller. Best known for her role as a captivating, swine-turning witch in Odysseus’ journey, Circe gets a whole book to herself here. This is her story, from birth to her endless life, exiled to a lonely island. It is a beautifully written, intricately- detailed, captivating story. If you love Greek mythology and The Odyssey, you’ll love it. If that’s not your thing, you may not love this quite as much—I think you’ll still love it. You don’t have to know all the ins and outs of gods and goddesses to appreciate the writing, mystery, adventure, and sheer drama of this novel.

Another Brooklyn by Jacqueline Woodson. This was an emotionally tough read but so worth it. August returns to Brooklyn for her father’s funeral as an adult and runs into one of her best childhood friends. She remembers then what it was like to be a young Black girl in Brooklyn in the 1970s—how she and her girlfriends played as children and then grew into teenagers together, navigating family dilemmas, keeping dangerous secrets, and trying to keep their heads above water in a world full of loss, danger, and bits of joy. Beautiful writing of a snapshot of life in a particular time and place.

Sing, Unburied Sing by Jesmyn Ward. 4 stars. Beautifully written and so heavy and sad. This is the story of three generations in one family: JoJo, the 13-year-old boy who tries to hold the family together; Leonie, his often absent mother who wants to be a good parent but is tormented by drug addiction; and Pop, the grandfather who tries to save his grandchildren, knowing he’s lost their mother, his daughter. Parchman, the state penitentiary, looms as another dark character with stories to tell that wind throughout the family. Highly recommended—when you are in a good place for a heavy but redemptive book.

Where We Belong by Emily Giffin. I need more books like this in my life. It was a sweet story about a daughter who finds her birth mother and each of their own stories. Some complexity but mostly just an easy, satisfying, feel-good read.

Something in the Water, The Perfect Mother, The Lies You Wrote, and Lights Out: Four thrillers I read while traveling on airplanes or waiting in airports to fly on those airplanes! None were particularly memorable but all were fast reads and a good way to pass that hours. Of the three, The Perfect Mother was the best.

***I listen to audiobooks while I walk, and I take a lot of walks, or at least I did pre-hospital. Here are the audiobooks:

Demon Copperhead by Barbara Kingsolver: I read this last year and it was my Book of the Year. I needed to re-read it for book club this year, so I chose the audio version. It was just as good the second time around. I tell everyone this, but watch Dopesick for another level of understanding about the novel! Anyway, the audio version was excellent except the reader’s “accent” was extremely distracting for me personally. He definitely did not sound like he was from Lee County, VA. Anyway, that has nothing to do with Kingsolver’s outstanding novel and probably doesn't bother a lot of people but I'm weird about accents.

The Invention of Wings by Sue Monk Kidd. Fantastic historical fiction about the Grimke sisters, Sarah and Angelina, early abolitionists and supporters of women’s rights from Charleston, who left behind Charleston society and their slaveholding family to fight for equal rights. Kidd’s author’s note at the end is also fascinating, as she relates how the book came to be and the sources she consulted.

The Heaven and Earth Grocery Store by James McBride. Reader Dominic Hoffman made this book come alive for me! This is a winding epic about the community of Chicken Hill, a neighborhood where Jewish immigrants and African Americans lived and worked together—outside the white establishment. It’s a beautiful novel, and although I got lost sometimes and ultimately forgot that the whole book was telling the story of a mysterious skeleton, I thoroughly enjoyed it.

Finding Dorothy: 5 stars. LOVED this historical fiction novel based on the story of Maud Baum, wife of l. Frank Baum, author of The Wonderful Wizard of Oz. I loved hearing all the bits and pieces of their life together that ended up in the book, from Maud’s fear of scarecrows as a little girl to a fake emerald ring that inspired the Emerald City.

My Side of the River by Elizabeth Camarillo Gutierrez. This is Gutierrez’s memoir of growing up, caught between two worlds, as the U.S.-born daughter of Mexican immigrants. Her parents are determined that their children will be educated in the States, but when their tourist visas expire and the family must go back to Mexico, they all have to make difficult decisions. I loved hearing this is the author’s own voice, and I think this is a valuable look into the trauma of family separation resulting from broken immigration laws.

The Guncle by Steven Rowley. What a delightful book! The author read this sweet and funny story of Patrick, or GUP (gay uncle Patrick), former TV star, brother to Greg, best friend to Sarah, and uncle to their children, Maisie and Grant. When Sarah passes away, Greg begs Patrick to take the kids for the summer. Patrick reluctantly agrees, and the summer is full of the three of them learning about each other, the world, themselves—and how to grieve.

February Reads

 February reading/listening was mostly mediocre with a couple of standouts.

1) You Could Make This Place Beautiful by Maggie Smith. A gorgeous memoir by the amazing poet. The title comes from the last line of her most well known poem, "Good Bones."

Anyway, this is her memoir of her unexpected, crushing divorce—the before, during, and after—told in snapshots in her lyrical voice. I loved it.

2) What Happened to Ruthie Ramirez? by Claire Jimenez. (audio) Thirteen-year-old Ruthie disappeared without a trace after school one day, and a decade later, her sisters think they see her on a reality TV show. I loved listening to this story of this family’s loss and trauma, told through multiple voices of the Ramirez women: mother Dolores and her three daughters: Jessica, Nina, and Ruthie. This book is raw, sometimes funny, and both heartwarming and heartbreaking. Author Jiménez reads the audio version of this, and she was incredible.

Our Missing Hearts by Celeste Ng was a re-read for me. This time I listened to it, and it was just as good the second time around. If you haven't read it, well, please do! It's a dystopian novel but it sure gets uncomfortably close to reality sometimes.

The Last Green Valley by Mark Sullivan and Westering Women by Sandra Dallas were both good historical fiction. Sullivan tells the amazing true story of a Ukrainian family in World War II who escaped the Soviets. Westering Women traces a group of 40 single women who ventured on the Overland Trail from Chicago to California in the 1850s in search of husbands amongst the gold miners. (*domestic abuse and SA warnings*)

Everything else was a solid 3 out of 5 stars, which is my "pretty good but not really memorable" rating, except for Pineapple Street, which I wasted about 10 hours of my life listening to, and yet I kept listening because I truly believed that *something* would happen. In the end, the entire book was actually just an excruciating look into the lives of the extremely wealthy and privileged.

Audiobooks

Pineapple Street

Pineapple Street by Jenny Jackson
My rating: 2 of 5 stars

One of the most inane books I’ve ever encountered. I kept waiting for something to happen, wondering if anything was ever going to happen or if the entire book is just an excruciating look into the lives of the extremely wealthy and privileged. I listened to the entire book… and wow. It actually was just an excruciating look into the lives of the extremely wealthy and privileged. It’s an entire novel with zero plot. It’s not even a character-driven novel, as the characters were boring, whiny, and completely unrelatable unless, perhaps, you belong to the world’s wealthiest 1%.

I have this two stars rather than one because Jackson is a good writer. She has great dialogue and description… but this whole pointless novel felt like a chance for her to relate every witty conversation and anecdote she’s ever heard at the country club. If you move in her circles, you might get a kick out the stories, but for the rest of us peasants, it's just silliness.



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What Happened to Ruthy Ramirez?

What Happened to Ruthy Ramirez by Claire Jiménez
My rating: 4 of 5 stars

Fantastic debut novel (audio version)—I did not want to do anything except listen to the story of this family’s loss and trauma, told through multiple voices of the Ramirez women: mother Dolores and her three daughters: Jessica, Nina, and Ruthy. Thirteen-year-old Ruthy disappeared without a trace after school one day, and a decade later, her sisters think they see her on a reality TV show. The chapters alternate between the women as they filter through their memories of Ruthy, the losses the family suffered, and their individual stories. This book is raw, sometimes funny, and both heartwarming and heartbreaking. Author Jiménez reads the audio version of this, and she was incredible.



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The Dead Romantics

The Dead Romantics by Ashley Poston
My rating: 3 of 5 stars

Unapologetically sweet and sappy love story. I didn’t know this was a romance novel when I started (duh—the title might have alerted me), but I don’t regret reading it. I needed something corny, charming, and predictable in a good way.

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When No One Is Watching

When No One Is Watching by Alyssa Cole
My rating: 3 of 5 stars

This thriller has definite Get Out vibes. Sydney Green’s Brooklyn neighborhood is “revitalizing” at an alarming rate—and Black neighbors are disappearing one by one, their homes’ new "owners" all white. Something’s going on, and Sydney’s determined to figure it out—with her only ally, a new white neighbor, Theo. Can she trust him or his part of the problem? As is common with thrillers, the ending was rushed and the last dramatic scene a little too dramatic, but overall I I enjoyed the audio version of this novel. Definitely thought provoking.

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